A Capital Christmas Story
By: Tom Chatham
Twas the eve before Christmas and all through the city,
The capital was lit and the Congress sang a ditty.
Where is my tax cut, said Boehner in a fright,
I must find it now, this very night.
Pelosi was sipping on her California wine,
Oh my, a tax cut, what a horrible sign.
The children need shoes and the teachers a raise,.
My poodle a pedicure, and my garden a new maze.
She stormed down the hall and called for her troops,
We must stop them now, make them jump through our hoops.
Now Shultz, now Hoyer, now Miller and Lee,
Now Waters, now Rangel, now Frank and Woolsey.
Assemble the house, assemble them all,
Bring them all in, I want a quorum call.
Twist their arms and threaten their job,
They can’t mess with the Chicago mob.
Get our leader on the White House line,
We’ll end this talk, then head out to dine.
The tree was all trimmed with Lenin, Mao and Che,
The fundamental shift was going their way.
Michelle in her nightgown and Barack in his cap,
Had just fallen asleep for a long winters nap.
When the call came in, he was lost what to do,
He reached for his blackberry and teleprompter too.
I can’t get a signal, I can’t see my lines,
What do I say, these are all bad signs.
I must act quick, show them my power,
Just tell Nancy, I’m in the shower.
I’ll call her back, now get me Jarrett,.
She’ll know what to do, to her good merit.
She had a plan, it was devious and sly,
It was guaranteed, to make Boehner cry.
Call the CIA, put the drones in the air,
Blow something up, what do we care.
Divert their attention, make them forget,
Confuse them with language, until we’re set.
As the house debated the government largesse,
The city outside was becoming a mess.
The yacht club and river were filled with debris,
And a predator drone crashed in a tree.
The FBI grabbed a patsy in wait,
Called Abdul a conservative, and used him for bait.
It must be the tea party, those constitutional swine,
That sounds good, the normal party line.
We’ll blame it on them, make them rue the day,
Progressives don’t care what those people say.
Pelosi took the floor and threw her hair back,
We can’t cut now, we’re under attack.
It’s those tea party people, with freedom of mind,
We must lock them up, get rid of their kind.
This was a turn of events, that was bound to confuse,
And make those Republicans sing the blues.
The tea party people, but how could it be,
As Bachmann exclaimed, they voted for me.
Perhaps a consensus, that we all can agree,
Pelosi said, with a smirk and some glee.
We’ll forget the tea party if you forget the tax cut,
We’ll call it a draw, and this debate will be shut.
Boehner just cried, as he struggled to stand,
He said it’s just not fair, as he wiped the tears with his hand.
He had to agree, he was up a creek in a boat,
He couldn’t win reelection, without the tea party vote.
He shook his fist and wiped the tears from his eye,
This woman was smart, for a demon that could fly.
As he got in his car and drove out of sight,
He yelled, I’ll see you next year for the next budget fight.
Merry Christmas To All,
And To All A Good Night.